Missing You

Dear Amanda,
I can't believe its almost 6 months when we lost you and it was truly the worst day of my life. I miss you everday and when I see a baby that's is the same age as you. I really want to cry and much as I would want to have more kids I can't do it anymore. I miss you anak!!! I think about you all the time and I still cry whenever I think of you and all the what could have beens. I tell myself all the time that I'm okay and that i'm great. Its mostly to reassure everyone that i'm okay but in my heart i'm still not okay. Everytime i tell my friends what Im feeling they just want me to suck it up and move on. I guess di naman talaga alam feeling na mawalan nang anak so tapos na sila umintindi. The lesson I learned albeit the hard way is that people have their limits. They just want to sweep things under the rug and pretend things never happened.

Love,
Mommy

5th Month Angelversary

Today is the  your 5th month angelversary. I love you and I miss you so much!!! You are  so important to us.I say just knew you were a a girl from the moment we found out I was pregnant. I named you Amanda Emmanuelle but I had to drop the Emmanuelle because my sister will be naming her son Emmanuel too. I think about you everyday and I feel like I'm walking with a void in my heart.Adrianne and I talk about you all the time too.  People keep telling me that it gets easier with time and it is better now than the first few days were but honestly I don't think it will get that much easier. I at least think about you 1 or twice everyday still and everytime I get just as sad but I am trying to be thankful for the short time I did have with you because I now know just how precious life canhe be. I miss you Amanda, I miss you everyday and though I couldn't visit as much as I would like please know that Mommy will never forget you and you are always in my heart.  Everytime I hear this song by Savage Garden(I Knew I loved You) I feel like crying because it reminds me of you and our time together. 

"I Knew I Loved You"

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
and there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

[chorus:]

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
only this sense of completion
and in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I found my way home
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

[repeat chorus]

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I found you

[repeat chorus to fade]

Angel Baby

It feels so bad and it hurts really really bad knowing that after all the plans you have made for your little angel, you will not be able to hold her in your arms, let your angel feel the warmth of your love, not be able to see her smile. I will never forget that day when we lost you. My precious Amanda,you are gone but you will never be forgotten. You will always be in my  Tita Beth will take care of you for awhile in Heaven and someday I will hold you again in heaven.

Moving On

Dear Amanda,

It's been 4 months since you left and I still feel the loss. I schedule a lot of activities so that I don't have to be alone. It somehow helps me cope and its numbs the pain and the void that I feel.Everyone has moved on except me and Ate Adrianne. Sometimes, I'm not even sure if its the right thing to do to even include her. I'm starting to feel like I'm dragging her down with me. Even some of  my friends are doing the tough love approach on me and they think that I'm dwelling on the loss for far too long. No understands the pain and the loss. Unless they've suffered the kind of loss that we had they can only offer sympathy for so long. I feel sad that somehow Daddy and I drifting apart and I feel  like Daddy has moved on too. I love you Amanda I miss you everyday. Mommy will never forget about you and I hope you know that .

Love,
Mommy

Adrianne Visits You

Whenever we go home to Rizal part of our agenda is to visit you which goes without saying. I always bring your Ate Adrianne when I visit you.

Last Sunday was no different Ate and I visited you last Sunday and I was asking her to talk to you and tell you about what's going on in her life. Your Ate casually told me I don't have to tell her anything because she's always with me.

We miss you Anak !!!

4th Month Angelversary

I love you.... I will always miss you.....Today is your 4th month angelversary, I lit 4 candles for you and Tito Ariel even came with us when we visited you.

Breakdown

Dear Amanda,
Mommy almost had a breakdown in the middle of a Baby Fair in Megamal. Let me back track a bit When I found out I was expecting you the first thing I did was do my research. I joined facebook groups signed up for emails. I went to a baby fair in Shangri-mall la last year. I totally loved it because it gave me an idea on what I should expect when it comes to trends with babies.

Today my friends and I went to Megamall and I saw the same baby fair that I went to in Shangri-la mall. . Naiyak na lang ako dati buntis pa ako nung nag attend ako and now wala na kaming baby. I think what triggered the emotions was when they asked me to write a letter to my baby this is what I wrote

Dear Amanda,
Though we never met you and we lost you early I just want to let you know that we love you so much and we will never forget you. Forever you will always be in our hearts.

Love,
Mommy

I miss you so much!!

Mommy

Beam Me Up

Dear Amanda,


As much as we don’t want to hear this in the midst of pain, sometimes a huge loss results in something,I’ve never been a huge Pink (as in the musician) fan. In fairness, I like some of her songs though some of her songs are heavy on hard partying, messy breaking ups, curses thrown in for good measure. I love this song beautiful ballad—Beam Me Up. I later learned that she wrote it after a miscarriage, which more or less sealed the deal. Now mommy is crying again.



There’s a waltz playin’ frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you’re lookin’ at me.
Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute’s enough,
Just beam me up.
Saw a blackbird soarin’ in the sky,
Barely a breath I caught one last sight
Tell me that was you sayin’ goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I’m on my own,
That’s how you tell me I’m not alone
Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute’s enough,
Just beam me up.
In my head I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there’s
One of me, with you
So when I need you can I send you a sign
I’ll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I’ll pick a star and watch you shine
Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute’s enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.here’s a waltz playin’ frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you’re lookin’ at me.
Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute’s enough,
Just beam me up.
Saw a blackbird soarin’ in the sky,
Barely a breath I caught one last sight
Tell me that was you sayin’ goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I’m on my own,
That’s how you tell me I’m not alone
Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute’s enough,
Just beam me up.
In my head I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there’s
One of me, with you
So when I need you can I send you a sign
I’ll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I’ll pick a star and watch you shine
Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute’s enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

Love you,
Mommy

The Choice

Dear Amanda,
I went to the hospital today for an event on Cervical Cancer and for some reason I ended up passing by the Maternity Ward. Oh wow! not again talagang yung mga iniiwasan talagang nilalagay lagi sa harap ko. Hayy ang hirap!!

I was in the hospital and the memories just came back. I went in because I had spotting and then before I knew it I was having premature contractions. The doctors injected Magnesium Sulfate which is the first line of defense in a pregnant woman with pre-eclampsia, a condition that includes high blood pressure, swelling and protein in the urine. Magnesium sulfate is given to reduce the possibility of having a stroke or bleeding in the brain, and it is also given to delay or reduce episodes of premature contractions.and it was very painful and they used a very big syringe. Which looked like this:

Sorry

Dear Amanda,

Today is Mother's day and I know I was only your mommy in 6 months. In my heart you will be my child forever.I'm sorry that I couldn't do anything to prevent your passing. I tried my best I hope you know that my dear baby girl.

2 Months before you were conceived I had a mini stroke. I wasn't warned that I was not allowed to conceive for at least 6 months while my body was recovering. My body just couldn't handle it and for that I'm sorry Anak. I blame myself for everything that's happened to you. My friend told me that the first step to healing is to forgive myself. How can I ever forgive myself Anak for all the things that I have done that I did, didn't do or things that have happened that led us to losing you.

 I'm sorry Anak that we haven't been able to visit you as regular as we should. We just couldn't go home to Rizal every week so the best that we can do is once a month.

Lastly, Anak sorry that I couldn't look at your photo. I can only look at it once in a while and only for a few seconds. Di ko pa talaga kaya na tignan nang matagal yung photo mo kasi umiiyak lang ako pag nakikita ko. It just reminds me that I never got to see you or hold you. My other regret was not being there during your cremation. I also made a promise to you that someday I will move you to another lot where you can be all by yourself and not share a space with 6 other people. Anak my heart is still breaking till now I miss you so much.

I love you Anak!! Please hug your Tita Beth and please do greet her a Happy Mother's Day!!  

Love,
Mommy

My Dream

Shortly after you were born sleeping ( a new term for still birth) I had a dream that I was carrying you in my arms. I was just so happy and so blissful and I remember going to a big house where I could see Angelo. Then I heard your Tita Beth's voice.

Baby Shower

Dear Amanda,

Today I went to an event with Mommy Bloggers and the theme was a baby shower. How great is it that I attended it today on your supposed birthday. WOW!! The Lord hasn't forgotten about me just yet. You would have loved their set up.

Other Babies

Dear Amanda,
I'm kind of antsy this month because this was supposed to be your birth month. All my pregnant mommy batch mates have given birth already and I see them on Facebook. It makes me really sad and it makes me miss you so much more. Sometimes I get annoyed at other moms who complain that their babies are giving them a tough time. I just wanted to tell them that I'd trade places with them any day. We're going home to Rizal on Saturday and for sure I'll visit you on Sunday. Hayy anak I miss you so much!!! A lot of my friends are still asking us if we plan to have another baby and the answer is No. As much as i want to Daddy thinks its not a good idea to have another baby anymore. He is hurting too baby and he misses you so much too. When we lost you Daddy had to figure out how to do everything and arrange everything. I love you baby girl and I miss you everyday.

Love,
Mommy

Due Date

Dear Amanda,
There is so much I wanted to say to you, that I don't even know where to start this letter. When we found out we were expecting. We were so over-the-moon excited for your entrance into our lives! We couldn't feel more blessed and happy. I had so many hopes and wishes for your life that I could never put them all into words. We were so excited and we wanted nothing more than to see you and hold you and hug you.

 When I think about bringing a little girl into the world,  I was completely overcome with happiness and love. I've known you were a little girl from the start and I have loved you from the first day I knew you were growing inside of me. Thus all of these will remain a memory because you were born sleeping. You were supposed to be born by this time. May was supposed to be your time to come out.

We plan something and when something that we can't control happens we spin out of control. That's what happened to me I needed to get a grip .  I miss you so much ANAK!!! I think about you everyday along with the what if's and everything that I couldn't change. I can't even look at another newborn without bursting into tears because It makes me miss you so much.

I miss you everyday and always.. You were with us for 6 months and yet you changed our lives.

Love,
Mommy

No One Can Relate

I miss you so much! May was supposed to be your birth month and I just want to get over this month already. I feel sad and lonely and alone! I stopped looking at babies because they remind me of you.

Yes everyone in my life friends and family have offered a shoulder to cry on and a person to talk to but they just can't relate. It is tough to talk with others who cannot relate even when they offer a shoulder to cry on or lend an ear to listen to the pain that I am expressing. It takes a lot of time to heal, and I believe I will never fully heal from losing a child, but that I can only learn how to grow with the experience, and  learn different ways on how to cope. Some days will be easier to get by then other days.

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever endured in my life. And I think most of the people just can't - unless someone has experienced what I have gone through (and don't wish that upon anyone) they can't relate.

I find myself pulling away from more and more people becauase it just seems like nobody can understand. The worst is when they assume how they should act and think they understand.. When I am out in public and see someone I recgonize I try to avoid them just so its one less person to say things that make me feel isolated. At times I hate how I see everyone different, how it feels like my relationships will never go back to how they were.  Things that used to be fun just aren't the same fun anymore. I stopped worrying about how future relationships are going to work out, and  want to learn to live again with a piece of your heart missing.

  I miss you Amanda !! Everyone is starting to tell me to move on and they think the best thing is not to talk about you. I know I should stop because I'm depressing myself but I just want you back. I feel blessed to have carried you and loved you.

Third Month Angelversarry

My Dearest Amanda,
Let me start this letter by saying that we miss you so much!Today is your 3rd Month Angelversary and we miss you so much. I saw this poem and decided to post it here.

An Angel Never Dies
Don't let them say, I wasn't born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gaveIt
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes"
But that won't soften your worst blow..
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
another child you'll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there

There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.

Although, I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes..
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An Angel Never Dies........
~Unknown

A Message From God

A MOTHER HAS A BABY, THIS WE KNOW IS TRUE. BUT GOD, CAN YOU BE A MOTHER, WHEN YOUR BABY'S NOT WITH YOU?

"YES, YOU CAN," HE REPLIED WITH CONFIDENCE IN HIS VOICE. "I GIVE MANY WOMEN BABIES, WHEN THEY LEAVE IS NOT THEIR CHOICE. SOME I SEND FOR A LIFETIME; AND OTHERS FOR A DAY
AND SOME I SEND TO FEEL YOUR WOMB; BUT THERE'S NO NEED TO STAY."

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS, GOD, I WANT MY BABY HERE. HE TOOK A BREATH AND CLEARED HIS THROAT; AND THEN, I SAW A TEAR.

"I WISH I COULD SHOW YOU, WHAT YOUR CHILD IS DOING TODAY. IF YOU COULD SEE YOUR CHILD 
SMILE WITH OTHER CHILDREN AND SAY:

'WE GO TO EARTH TO LEARN OUR LESSON'S OF LOVE AND LIFE AND FEAR, MY MOMMY 
LOVED ME OH SO MUCH, I GOT TO COME STRAIGHT HERE...
I FELL SO LUCKY TO HAVE A MOM, WHO HAD SO MUCH LOVE FOR ME I LEARNED MY
LESSON VERY QUICKLY, MY MOMMY SET ME FREE. I MISS MY MOMMY OH SO MUCH;
BUT I VISIT HER EACH DAY. WHEN SHE GOES TO SLEEP, ON HER PILLOW IS WHERE 
I LAY I STROKE HER HAIR AND KISS HER CHEEK, AND WHISPER IN HER EAR.
MOMMY, DON'T BE SAD TODAY, I'M YOUR BABY AND I'M HERE.'

"SO, YOU SEE, MY DEAR SWEET ONE, YOUR CHILDREN ARE OKAY YOUR BABIES ARE HERE IN MY HOME; AND THIS IS WHERE THEY'LL STAY. THEY'LL WAIT FOR YOU WITH ME, UNTIL YOUR LESSON IS THROUGH AND ON THE DAY THAT YOU COME HOME; THEY'LL BE AT THE GATES FOR YOU. 

SO, NOW YOU SEE WHAT MAKES A MOTHER, IT'S THE FEELING IN YOUR HEART IT'S THE LOVE YOU HAD SO MUCH OF; RIGHT FROM THE VERY START. THOUGH SOME ON EARTH MAY NOT REALIZE YOU ARE A MOTHER THEY'LL BE UP WITH ME ONE DAY; AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE BEST ONE."