Missing You

Dear Amanda,
I can't believe its almost 6 months when we lost you and it was truly the worst day of my life. I miss you everday and when I see a baby that's is the same age as you. I really want to cry and much as I would want to have more kids I can't do it anymore. I miss you anak!!! I think about you all the time and I still cry whenever I think of you and all the what could have beens. I tell myself all the time that I'm okay and that i'm great. Its mostly to reassure everyone that i'm okay but in my heart i'm still not okay. Everytime i tell my friends what Im feeling they just want me to suck it up and move on. I guess di naman talaga alam feeling na mawalan nang anak so tapos na sila umintindi. The lesson I learned albeit the hard way is that people have their limits. They just want to sweep things under the rug and pretend things never happened.

Love,
Mommy

5th Month Angelversary

Today is the  your 5th month angelversary. I love you and I miss you so much!!! You are  so important to us.I say just knew you were a a girl from the moment we found out I was pregnant. I named you Amanda Emmanuelle but I had to drop the Emmanuelle because my sister will be naming her son Emmanuel too. I think about you everyday and I feel like I'm walking with a void in my heart.Adrianne and I talk about you all the time too.  People keep telling me that it gets easier with time and it is better now than the first few days were but honestly I don't think it will get that much easier. I at least think about you 1 or twice everyday still and everytime I get just as sad but I am trying to be thankful for the short time I did have with you because I now know just how precious life canhe be. I miss you Amanda, I miss you everyday and though I couldn't visit as much as I would like please know that Mommy will never forget you and you are always in my heart.  Everytime I hear this song by Savage Garden(I Knew I loved You) I feel like crying because it reminds me of you and our time together. 

"I Knew I Loved You"

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
and there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

[chorus:]

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
only this sense of completion
and in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I found my way home
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

[repeat chorus]

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I found you

[repeat chorus to fade]

Angel Baby

It feels so bad and it hurts really really bad knowing that after all the plans you have made for your little angel, you will not be able to hold her in your arms, let your angel feel the warmth of your love, not be able to see her smile. I will never forget that day when we lost you. My precious Amanda,you are gone but you will never be forgotten. You will always be in my  Tita Beth will take care of you for awhile in Heaven and someday I will hold you again in heaven.

Moving On

Dear Amanda,

It's been 4 months since you left and I still feel the loss. I schedule a lot of activities so that I don't have to be alone. It somehow helps me cope and its numbs the pain and the void that I feel.Everyone has moved on except me and Ate Adrianne. Sometimes, I'm not even sure if its the right thing to do to even include her. I'm starting to feel like I'm dragging her down with me. Even some of  my friends are doing the tough love approach on me and they think that I'm dwelling on the loss for far too long. No understands the pain and the loss. Unless they've suffered the kind of loss that we had they can only offer sympathy for so long. I feel sad that somehow Daddy and I drifting apart and I feel  like Daddy has moved on too. I love you Amanda I miss you everyday. Mommy will never forget about you and I hope you know that .

Love,
Mommy

Adrianne Visits You

Whenever we go home to Rizal part of our agenda is to visit you which goes without saying. I always bring your Ate Adrianne when I visit you.

Last Sunday was no different Ate and I visited you last Sunday and I was asking her to talk to you and tell you about what's going on in her life. Your Ate casually told me I don't have to tell her anything because she's always with me.

We miss you Anak !!!

4th Month Angelversary

I love you.... I will always miss you.....Today is your 4th month angelversary, I lit 4 candles for you and Tito Ariel even came with us when we visited you.

Breakdown

Dear Amanda,
Mommy almost had a breakdown in the middle of a Baby Fair in Megamal. Let me back track a bit When I found out I was expecting you the first thing I did was do my research. I joined facebook groups signed up for emails. I went to a baby fair in Shangri-mall la last year. I totally loved it because it gave me an idea on what I should expect when it comes to trends with babies.

Today my friends and I went to Megamall and I saw the same baby fair that I went to in Shangri-la mall. . Naiyak na lang ako dati buntis pa ako nung nag attend ako and now wala na kaming baby. I think what triggered the emotions was when they asked me to write a letter to my baby this is what I wrote

Dear Amanda,
Though we never met you and we lost you early I just want to let you know that we love you so much and we will never forget you. Forever you will always be in our hearts.

Love,
Mommy

I miss you so much!!

Mommy